Use these 19 action steps toward a healed heart ASAP
Alright, I kinda lied there.
There’s no real way, no magic bullet, to heal fast from ANYTHING. Unless you’re Wolverine.
Even if you’re not a super-healing-human fortified with unobtainium, this will be the most sure-fire way to heal as rapidly and completely as possible. But it will take some time—and commitment—to your decision to heal and move on.
So if you are finally ready to get over him, let’s go.
1. No Contact
First things first. Depending on how healthy (or not) the relationship was, and how and why it ended, going no contact is a must.
Of course there are exceptions, but I’m talking about the rule. I myself am living that exception, but only because me and my wasband had a very healthy, loving relationship, and decided to part for reasons that had nothing to do with the nature of our dynamic.
The only thing that made walking away bearable was the fact that it was important to both of us that we remained good friends no matter what. We were able to still have respect and care for each other outside of a romantic relationship, which is rare but possible.
But the fact is that most likely you did not end on good terms.
Especially if the relationship was toxic or abusive in any way, or you think he may have been an undiagnosed narcissist, cutting them off completely—and even blocking them across all social media platforms—is essential to your healing journey. Why?
The reasons are multifaceted, but mainly because it’s impossible to heal from an open wound if it’s constantly being scratched. Talking to your ex, texting, or hanging out right after a breakup is doing exactly that. It only causes more pain, more longing, more false hope, and doesn’t give you the space necessary to howl at the moon, lick your wounds, and just focus on picking up the broken pieces of yourself.
More importantly, remaining in touch only lengthens the time to heal. Some people are able to come back as friends later on, but the first few months (up to a year) are necessary to be spent apart in order to even be able to meet each other in a healthy, more stable place in the future that isn’t so recently raw.
And if the relationship was abusive, breaking no contact at any point brings you back to square one as far as healing is concerned. Believe me when I say that reaching out to a toxic ex after going no contact is simply not worth it.
2. Allow yourself to feel everything—and grieve
No one likes this one. No one.
Yes that’s right, you’ll have to open a new box of tissues and stay in for a week or two of crying. Or screaming. Or laughing. Or whatever strange emotions need to come out, it’s important that you hold space for them and allow this process.
Is it fun? No.
Is it some of the worst emotional pain you’ll ever experience? Probably.
But feel it you must.
Not honoring the feelings is a recipe for disaster. If you avoid this dirty part of healing, not only will you not fully heal, but your body will carry the emotional weight of holding all that in, forever.
And it will compound and incur interest, which becomes worse down the line. Emotions that aren’t addressed don’t go anywhere, they stay inside you until you actively release them. And if you aren’t aware of how dangerous bottled-up emotions are to your mental, physical, and spiritual health, click here.
In other words, no matter how terrifying or painful your grief might be, the only way out, is through.
3. Take it easy with drugs or alcohol
Look, no one is going to blame you if you need a few nights of getting wasted post-breakup. I get it, immediately following the loss of a love, the pain can be so intense, it feels like it’s too much to handle, at least not in the moment.
In fact, this might be controversial, but I personally believe that momentary escape can be beneficial, as certain substances can temporarily alleviate the toll of crushing grief…to a point. Used intentionally with discernment, allowing brief respites via chemicals gives you a much-needed mental and emotional break. 24/7 grieving is a lot of work.
Only you know yourself and what your limits are; what’s within reason and what’s bad for you.
All I would say is, as much as you can, try to limit your dependence on alcohol or drugs to get you through the pain. Because honestly, all they do is mask, numb, or distract you from it. But it’s still there, and it’ll be waiting for you once you sober up. So you can either keep kicking that can down the road, indefinitely, or bite the bullet and get through the suffering part as quickly as possible, without delay.
The choice is up to you, but there is no judgment if you can’t do it stone-cold sober for its entirety.
4. Give yourself Grace the first 2-4 weeks
One thing that has helped me in a recent break-up was the knowledge that the worst part usually lasts just a few weeks. In the grand scheme of things, it’s not that bad. Granted, those first few weeks are HELL, but when they’re done, they’re done. This too shall pass. So go easy on yourself for the first month or so.
If it helps, imagine you are recovering from heart surgery, and treat yourself with as much care and patience as you would if that were the case.
I’m talking rest, comfort food, junk TV, groceries delivered, bubble baths, staying home from parties or the gym, even taking a few days off work if you’re able to. Whatever feels good to you, in your body, do it to the best of your ability.
Some people are crazy early-morning birds and enjoy running every day at 5 am, okay, good for them (that’s not me, can you tell?). What I’m saying is, if that is normally you, but you’re not feeling up to it, DO NOT guilt trip yourself into keeping a rigorous schedule. Remember, you are recovering from open heart surgery. Baby yourself, go easy, give yourself lots of grace, and lean heavily into the self-care, however that looks for you.
On the flip side, if getting up at the ass crack of down is one of the few things that still sounds good to you, by all means. Lace-up those running shoes. You do you, boo.
The idea is, if you give yourself a mental container for your present circumstance, making temporary adjustments will come more naturally; you are actively nursing a broken heart back to life, and with that perspective you will more easily decide what’s a priority right now and what isn’t.
Putting your grieving period into an imaginary box also serves as a reminder that it’s finite—there is an endpoint to the misery. Before you know it, you’ll wake up one day and actually feel like going to parties again. Or waking up early to jog.
You just gotta get through Hell Week(s) first.
5. Rally reinforcements
I know it’s tempting to just hermit forever, but try to remain cognizant of how much alone time you’re spending. Don’t be afraid to be honest with your close friends and let them know how best they can support you. And, don’t be afraid to ask for help!
Whether it’s having some company running errands or help getting groceries, or you need to get out of the house, or just a safe sounding board, express your needs and graciously accept any help offered. Believe it or not, if your friends are true friends, they will want to be there for you. Don’t deny them the gift of giving.
If anything, rally a friend or two to be your “whatever you do, don’t call him—call me instead!” contact. So that if you ever feel the urge to drunk dial or text your ex, you reach out to a healthier alternative that you won’t regret instead. You’ll thank me in the morning.
6. Practice self-care
This is huge, especially if you’re coming out of an abusive relationship that left you feeling unloved and unvalued. It’s time to value yourself!
So, do the things that feel good, and are good for you. This can be keeping a regular sleep schedule or getting plenty of daytime rest, or eliminating activities and/or people that drain you.
This could look like meal prepping healthy meals so you’re not tempted to grab drive-through. It can be going on a long walk through nature, or journaling on the beach. Buy yourself flowers. Think: art, movement, beauty. Anything that brings peace to your soul.
Prioritizing self-care is prepping the soil in a garden so that the plants can grow strong and healthy roots. You can’t fully heal from an empty, damaged place, and this is the way to climb out of that and lay a foundation of self-love.
7. Focus on you
I’m willing to bet that you were the one doing the most while they did the least.
Or maybe you were just overly focused on them and their needs, bypassing yours.
Today is the day to stop doing that, and turn all your focus, all your energy, back on you. You are the main character now. This may feel awkward or weird, especially if you’re a certified people pleaser, but it is an essential framework to master.
Treat healing like a full-time job; dedicate all your resources, all of your time, on yourself, and watch yourself bloom.
8. Make some lists, check them twice
What did you love about them? What did you hate? Why? What lessons did you learn? What will you do differently next time? How can you improve your self-worth?
This is a great way to get your thoughts out on paper.
The “Why I Hated Dating _____” list is a favorite of mine. Just start writing whatever comes to mind. Doing these sorts of exercises helps to put things in perspective. I had over 100 reasons why I hated dating my last long-term boyfriend, and seeing them on paper really put things into perspective for me.
Even small details can be illuminating, such as “He interrupts me all the time.” Think about how that behavior makes you feel. I know how it made me feel, it made me feel irrelevant, unimportant, and unvalued. So all those “small things” really aren’t such “small things.” You’re not leaving him because he leaves the toilet seat up, it’s because the message behind it is one of disrespect and inconsideration. The issue is not the issue. The more of these you write down the clearer it will become how vital it was that the relationship ended. You might surprise yourself with how many things actually hurt you.
Even making lists of the qualities you loved about them can be helpful.
For example, I loved that he was very competent and passionate about his work. Now I know, going forward, what qualities I admire and should look for in a partner. I also know that those traits are things that many men have; what I liked most about my ex was not exclusive to him.
Another powerful exercise is turning every undesirable trait into a positive one. “He had a negative outlook on life and a scarcity mindset.” Okay, that’s what I don’t want next time. So I turn that into “my future partner is optimistic and has an abundance outlook on life.” All of this brings clarity into the what, the why, and the how.
Lists are our friend, they remind us why someone is naughty or nice.
9. If you aren’t already, see a therapist or a professional life coach
I cannot stress this enough. Having a dedicated therapist or certified life coach can be pivotal to your healing journey.
If anything, the validation of being heard and seen alone is worth it. A lot of people ask, “Why should I bother finding a therapist if I have friends to talk to?” Well, the reason why it’s best to turn to a trained professional and not just your friends, is because 1) your friends are biased 2) your friends can only handle so much of your breakup stuff 3) friendships require reciprocation, which in your immediate grief, you probably won’t be able to provide much of.
While any decent friend will be happy to be there for you a little at first, after a month of hearing you cry and lament about your ex, it gets a little old for them. Especially if that’s the only thing you want to (or can) talk about.
Whereas with a therapist or trained coach, you can talk guilt-free about your break-up as much as your little heart desires.
You don’t have to worry about holding up your end of the discussion; the paid professional is there for you and you alone, they are your cheerleader, they are your advocate, they are your supporting character. You get to be the Main Character guilt-free, babe! From their training and experience, a good life coach or therapist can offer a different perspective or insight that neither you nor your besties would have thought of.
It can be very stabilizing knowing that you have unwavering support that’s consistent on a weekly basis, no matter what.
So if you have the resources to pursue professional talk therapy, do it. If insurance or money is tight, look into free therapy from local Master’s program counseling students—most of them are always looking for hours.
Same goes for coaches in training or working towards their ICF credential.
You can also try inquiring at your local church or faith-based community; even if you’re not a member or adhere to their beliefs, a lot of times they have free counseling programs for a limited number of sessions. It’s something.
Last but not least, ask potential therapists or coaches if they offer a sliding scale or other form of donating their time as a service to their community. Sometimes, if you explain to them your circumstance, they might be able or willing to help you out in that arena.
Whatever your circumstance, there is an option to get you professional support.
10. Get busy
There’s nothing worse than sitting on your couch post-breakup, eating Cheetos, in your sweatpants, and doom-scrolling while watching Real Housewives.
Allow yourself a day or two of this, then get up and brush that orange dust off.
Try your best to get outside the house. Start filling your day-to-day calendar with little interests and activities.
At first you won’t feel like doing it. That’s okay.
As much as you can, push through and just start somewhere. Start small. Try to be social. Schedule a coffee with an old friend. Grab someone to go see a movie with. Go on walks. Clean. Organize. Shop. Tackle that project you’ve been putting off and itching to do. Whatever. The idea is to gradually push out thoughts of him with other things, and the best way to do this is to jump right into other things. Experiment. Be flexible, some days you just won’t be able to go on that museum tour let alone hold a trash bag, and that’s totally fine. (Did you forget already? You’re recovering from heart surgery.)
11. Learn something new
This kind of goes hand in hand with the last bullet step.
When you’re ready, get outside of your comfort zone by learning something new. This will add excitement and optimism back into your life. Pick up a new hobby, follow your interests, surprise yourself. This really can be anything.
Watch some YouTube videos and learn how to cook, take a dancing class, enroll in a painting workshop, buy a plant, learn to sew your own clothes, pick up a new language, start an ant farm.
The sky truly is the limit, this is a time to follow what interests you. Picking up something novel is a guaranteed way to generate some happy dopamine for your sad brain. Plus it gives you something to start looking forward to, provides much-needed breaks from ruminating on your ex, and, you might even make some new friends along the way.
You also will achieve something that you can be proud of yourself for. Additionally, learning something new actually creates new neural pathways in your brain. Repetition reinforces those pathways, and likewise, disuse weakens them. You are essentially replacing old actions and thought patterns dedicated to your ex with new activities and ideas, and this effect will increase over time.
Soon your automatic thoughts will turn to your new hobby versus wondering what he’s doing right now.
12. Chase joy
Along with investing in hobbies and interests that excite you, another powerful healing tool is to approach life through the lens of “following your highest excitement.”
This leans on the Buddhist philosophy of being entirely in the moment, and thus being in a state of nirvana: bliss.
As much as you’re able, throughout the day, pause and ask yourself what would bring you the most joy, right now? It can be a little thing like kissing your cat’s head. It might be looking out the window and staring at the blue sky for a few minutes. Maybe texting a friend. Drinking your tea. It could even be something bigger like treating yourself to a nice dinner out at your favorite restaurant or booking that trip. Whatever it looks like for you, try chasing those moments of bliss.
You’ll be surprised how much it can shift your whole outlook and enjoyment of the present moment.
13. Try some type of releasing ritual
There is a reason why our entire history on this planet is littered with rites of passage and rituals and traditions. Weddings and funerals are rituals. Getting your driver’s license is a rite of passage. Every family has their own traditions of holidays and milestones.
It’s almost as if we, as a human species, require external markers for recognition of events that are meaningful to us. We have a strong draw towards connecting the abstract intangible with something that is external and defined.
It’s a way for us to integrate into the new reality, the new phase, the new path.
And so it is with your own personal loss.
You might not need a big pity party or witnesses, but doing some type of releasing ritual can be very powerful in helping you let go. There’s something incredibly symbolic and therapeutic in ripping up photos of your ex.
Or in (safely) lighting a small bonfire outside and burning all their love letters and mementos.
If you want to get even more ritualistic you can tie a string from one chime candle to another, light them, and watch as the flame engulfs the bond that once held you to them.
Speak words unto the wind. Donate the sweater he gave you. Throw away the dried flowers. Delete their text messages. All of these things are outward signs (to yourself) that signal and mark—in a very tangible way—that they are no longer a part of your physical reality.
When you’re ready, releasing evidence that they were once with you can be very cathartic. The intentional destruction of what’s already dead holds a sort of acceptance to it, a surrender, almost as if we’re smelting the earth to prepare it for what’s new.
It’s like how a volcano’s lava flow will annihilate everything in its path, but once the magma has cooled, it becomes the richest, most nutrient-rich soil, and life returns to it abundantly.
We are in our destruction era.
14. Reflect and forgive yourself
This is probably the most challenging thing on this list. To fully heal and get over them, you must take the time to reflect on the part you played in the relationship.
Whether that was settling for less than you deserved, tolerating abuse or neglect, or even if you were the one not showing up in the relationship, take an honest look in the mirror.
If you fail to do this, you will invariably repeat the same lesson again with someone new. This is where, again, a good therapist or trusted trauma-informed life coach can be invaluable. Once you’ve figured out what mistakes you’ve made, it’s imperative that you forgive yourself. Give yourself grace for “messing up,” or “not seeing the red flags.” You’re only human.
15. Consider alternative therapies
When you are actively healing from a broken heart, sometimes the best therapies can be alternative ones. Think outside the box and get beyond talk therapy and medication (counseling, life coaching, psychiatrists).
Consider looking into sound baths, art therapy, equine therapy, reiki, energy healing, BodyTalk, EFT, EMDR, light therapy, acupuncture, hypnotherapy, aromatherapy, ketamine treatments, TMS, or nutritional therapy.
I’m sure I’m missing some, but the sky’s the limit as far as exploring multiple channels of healing and wellness. A lot of these overlap with hobbies and interests, which is another way to strengthen your path to wholeness as you get outside the house, connect with others, and distract your mind while exposing yourself to something new and wholesome.
16. Remove all traces
I always advise clients to only do this when they’re ready.
That can be on day one or day 360.
Depending on how healthy or not the relationship was, at some point you’ll have to start getting rid of their stuff, or anything that reminds you of them, or anything that they gave you or you got together.
There are no hard and fast rules, but it’s helpful on so many levels to eventually remove all (or most) traces of them from the new life you’re creating.
This is a brand new chapter, filled with brand new things.
Objects can hold a lot of stagnant energy, or at the very least there’s a very real psychological connection you may have that will end up holding you back in some way, especially if it’s in your face all the time. Let that shit go.
17. Resist the Rebound
Another hard one, one that I’ve been guilty of too, on many occasions. But as much as you can, try your darndest to resist jumping into a new relationship right away.
Stay off the dating apps. Don’t go to singles events. Stop eyeing that cute cashier.
Just no.
Have some self-discipline and understand that although it is tempting and appears to be a quick fix to soothe your aching heart, it will only end up disappointing you and delaying your healing.
You’re still too raw. You need time to heal, space to be alone without romantic distractions.
It won’t help you get over them any faster anyway. If anything it’ll only prolong the pain. Additionally, you’ll probably just lead the other person on and end up hurting them. Hurt people hurt people, so have some self-control and break the cycle.
18. Healing isn’t linear
I’ll be honest, this one really sucks too.
You may already be aware of this, but healing is never a straight, linear line. It has its ups and downs, its peaks and its valleys.
There will be days when you’re starting to feel better, you might even totally forget about him for a few hours, and start to feel yourself again. You’ll think, hey, this isn’t so bad, I can do this.
Then wham!
You’re back in the pit of despair, with no sense of purpose or hope.
What happened? You were doing so good!
It’s nothing you did that’s wrong, it’s simply part of the process. It’s one of those things that you just need to accept and expect.
Ideally you will start to notice, as more time passes, that the lows won’t be as low anymore. In fact there will start to be a steady incline, marked only by smaller and smaller dips. There will come a point, whether months or years down the road, when he doesn’t cross your mind at all, and you’ll be surprised that you even thought of him in the first place.
And in that moment it won’t even phase you.
That’s when you’ll know you’ve fully healed from your breakup.
19. Trust the process
Last but not least, the biggest thing you can do to assist a speedy recovery of your broken heart, is to let go and trust the process of healing.
Understand that it won’t always make sense or look right. It most likely won’t ever be pretty or glorious. The healing of hearts is a messy, long, bumpy road.
Accept that it may take longer than you’d prefer. Expect there will be gains and losses, joys and triggers and everything else in between.
But know that you will be okay. You will survive, you will get through this. If you are intentional and committed to your path, at the end of it, you will transform into a thriving, whole and healed person who’s better for it.
What are your go-to hacks to ensure a speedy healing?